Understanding Your Cycle: What I DO
Resources for Emotionally Focused Therapy &
Hold Me Tight® Seattle
What I Do in our cycle
Noticing and naming your behaviors in the cycle is one of the first steps toward recognizing the cycle. These actions are driven by what you feel and the thoughts and stories you tell yourself about your partner and what is happening in the cycle.
Actions I Do In Our Cycle
One of the most important parts of taming the cycle is getting an accurate description of what you often do when you are caught in the cycle with your partner or family member. Start by reading through the list and picking out all the behaviors you regularly do in times of conflict or disconnection. Then narrow this list down to the 1 move you do most often.
- Ask questions
- Blow up
- Blame or point out your mistakes
- Call or text repeatedly
- Cling
- Coach/teach you
- Complain
- Confront
- Control
- Criticize
- Define you as the problem
- Demand or threaten
- Express disapproval
- Follow you around
- Lash out
- Label/diagnose you
- Make my point
- Interrogate/question
- Repeat requests
- Pick arguments
- Poke/prod
- Put you down
- Tell what you should do/have done
- Yell – to get your attention/get through
- Appease/placate/accommodate
- Avoid
- Become logical
- Change the subject
- Clam up/refuse to talk
- Defend myself
- Deflect
- Dismiss
- Distance myself
- Distract myself
- Explain myself or the situation
- Freeze / Not respond
- Give advice / problem solve
- Give up
- Numb/zone out
- Play turtle and go into my shell
- Reason with you
- Shrug off
- Shut you out/stonewall
- Smooth things over
- Turn to a task
- Make a joke
- Walk away
- Yell – to shut things down
