Resources for Emotionally Focused Therapy and Hold Me Tight®
What stories
Do I Tell Myself in our cycle
When our brain flags something as a possible threat, we immediately tell ourselves stories about why we feel distressed. In these times, our thoughts or assumptions are based on incomplete information, but we rarely question them. Often these false beliefs serve only to intensify tense moments.
Stories I tell myself in the cycle
Most of the stories we tell ourself in times of relationship distress falls into 3 categories:
• Thoughts about my partner (family member) or people in general
• Thoughts about myself
• Thoughts about our relationship.
Recognizing what I tell myself
Read through the lists of thoughts about yourself, your partner, and the relationship and pick out statements that you often tell yourself. Then narrow the list down to the 3-4 beliefs you tell yourself most often.
Thoughts About Your Partner
- I don’t matter to you
- I’m not important to you
- My feelings don’t matter to you
- Nothing is right in your eyes
- You can’t be trusted
- You can’t handle my mess
- You dangerous
- You don’t care about me/how I feel
- You don’t hear me/see me
- You don’t like me anymore
- You don’t prioritize me/us
- You don’t respect me
- You don’t ever respond
- You don’t think my hurt is legitimate
- You don’t want to be with me
- You never listen to me
- You never remember…
- You see me as the enemy
- You think I’m bad
- You think I’m mean
- You think I’m too crazy
- You think I’m too needy
- You think my feelings are wrong/bad
- You want to get away from me
- You will abandon me
- You will reject me
- You’d rather be with your friends
- You’ll be put out by me
- You’ll think I’m weak
- You’re shutting me out
- You’ve given up
- Your family matters more than I do
- Your work is your priority
Thoughts about Yourself
- Everything I do makes it worse
- I am bad/a bad partner
- I can’t ever meet your standard
- I can’t have needs
- I don’t deserve you’re love
- I don’t know what to do
- I don’t matter
- I must drive the bus on my own
- I must stay in control
- I need to protect us
- I never get it right
- I try to fix it – but it doesn’t work
- I’m a disappointment to you
- I’m a mess
- I’m alone
- I’m always failing you
- I’m crazy
- I’m helpless
- I’m inadequate
- I’m invisible
- I’m not able to please you
- I’m not appreciated
- I’m not enough for you
- I’m not important to you
- I’m permanently damaged
- I’m unlovable
- I’m unsafe
- I’m unworthy
- I’m weak
- It’s all my fault
- My needs are a problem
- The only safe thing I can do is nothing
- There’s no space for me in this relationship
Thoughts about the relationship
- It’s not worth it to try
- Our relationship is doomed
- Relationships are about getting the other person to change
- Relationships are too much work
- This storm may not pass
- We are wrong for each other
- We might not survive another fight
- We’re like roommates
- Why can’t we just have fun like we use to do
- Relationships should be easy so we must be wrong for each other
Understanding Your Cycle
Putting Parts of the Cycle Together
Identifying The Basic Parts of Your Cycle
Your cycle has 3 basic parts: actions, stories, and feelings. Feelings include both body sensations and emotions.
Ready to start your journey to creating relationships that last?
The first step toward scheduling an appointment with Kim or Dennis is to request an initial appointment for free consultation below or call 253-343-0746
If our schedules are full, consider scheduling with a therapist Dennis supervises.