Understanding Your Cycle: Putting Parts of the Cycle Together

Resources for Emotionally Focused Therapy

White husband and wife tracking their cycle in session with EFT therapist.

Putting Your Feelings, Thoughts, and Behaviors Together in the Cycle

You have now identified the 3 basic parts of your cycle, your: behaviors, thoughts, and feelings (including emotions). Now you are ready to put them together and connect them with your partner or family member’s part of the cycle.

Mapping both sides of the cycle

Once you and your partner (or family member) have identified the basic parts of each of your cycle, work together to map it out. The diagram below can be helpful.

Cues that activate raw spots

When we have strong responses and our behavior, feelings, and emotions abruptly change, our partner or someone close to use has probably hit a raw spot. (learn more about raw spots here). Their behavior is the cue that sets off a chain reactions in us, most of which have nothing to do with our partner or what they did. Then our reactive responses often become the cue that hits a raw spot of theirs, and the cycle continues. As you work with your partner, see if you can link both sides in the cycle and connect the mutual ways that each of your responses increase each others distress.

This example is taken from Kim and Dennis’s relationship. This was a frequent, recurring pattern for many years.

Example Diagram of EFT Cycle with behavior, reactive emotion, thought/assumption, vulnerable emotion, and feeling/body sensation for each partner

The more lonely Dennis got the more he complained about Kim distracting herself with her phone. The more Dennis complained the more guilt and shame Kim felt. Then she would withdraw more into her phone or another distraction. This would leaving Dennis feeling even more alone and concerned that Kim wasn’t interested in spending time with him. It was a perfect cycle with seemingly no way out. However, Emotionally Focused Therapy provides a roadmap to get out of these stuck patterns. Thanks to their own journey with EFT Therapists this pattern rarely happens today. The first step is to be able to track the basic patterns so that you can start to team up together to defeat them.

Sample diagram to help understand and defeat your cycle

Blank Diagram of EFT Cycle with behavior, reactive emotion, thought/assumption, vulnerable emotion, and feeling/body sensation for each partner

Understanding Your Cycle

Putting Parts of the Cycle Together

Identifying The Basic Parts of Your Cycle

Your cycle has 3 basic parts: actions, stories, and feelings. Feelings include both body sensations and emotions.

Ready to start your journey to creating relationships that last?

Kim and Dennis on 30th Anniversary Cruise
Kim Teaching Couples Workshop with Dennis
Dennis and Kim Teaching at Hold Me Tight Seattle
Kim and Dennis on 26th Anniversary.

The first step toward scheduling an appointment with Kim or Dennis is to request an initial appointment for free consultation below or call 253-343-0746

Therapy Request Form

If our schedules are full, consider scheduling with a therapist Dennis supervises.